I sit here in my living room watching the candle flicker, just got Nonah to bed, Peters playing X-box, and I’m thinking about my week. Trying to figure out how to express in words the things that I have been feeling. I don’t know if it is a woman thing or maybe it just happens to me but I am an emotional rollercoaster. I just want some stability in my life but no I am up then down then some where in between and all over the place. It seems like I’ll have a good week or even a couple of good weeks and then boom something happens that just sets me off the deep end and I just plummet. I allow that one thing to upset me or get me thinking or become negative and just head downward. Sometimes I can snap out of it but its not always that easy. Then I’m in a “funk” (that’s what I call it) for a few days or however long it takes to get back on track. I don’t know why I get off track so easily or so often. I guess I’m sensitive but is this common for all women or am I too sensitive? There’s all kinds of things I could list but they’re no excuse, right? Boundaries. I need to have boundaries and not allow others to effect my emotions. I heard a teaching on this that everyone needs to take control of their own emotions and feelings and stop blaming others for them. Such a powerful teaching but man it’s a hard thing to do. It involves forgiveness, humility, and strength to own up to your feelings and take control. That’s what I’ve realized this past week that I can pray all I want about a situation but if I don’t have that humility and my heart isn’t in the right place its not going to do much.
That’s the big picture of what happens to me but then when Im in that funk I become a horrible person. I hate myself, my life, my situation, okay I shouldn’t say hate because that’s really strong, but I get disappointed and frustrated and negative. I get lazy, I do nothing productive, I feel worthless and I feel like life is pointless, I can’t think clearly and I become numb. I can’t feel anything and almost have no emotion. Its like if I could step out of my body and shake it I would.
So I’ve been praying about it and talking to Peter about stuff and then tonight I was listening to Jason Upton (amazingly anointed worshipper, you should check him out if u never heard of him) and the words to the song just spoke to me so directly. “I will not let pain have its way, Im gonna trust in you” and its like someone flipped a switch and I just teared up and cried out to Him and a weight was lifted and my heart was light again. I feel again. I have joy and peace in my heart. I trust Him again. Why couldn’t I have it two days ago? I don’t know but I feel like these ups and downs are God teaching me things about myself. He’s dealing with me. I see that now and am thankful for it but going through it just down right sucks. Uh Im so thankful to be on the other side, heading up the rollercoaster. Its so exhausting to be upset. I feel free and back to my old self again. Yay!
But ladies I truly would love to hear your thoughts on this topic. What topic, I don’t even know what to call it but is your life an emotional rollercoaster too or do you have words of wisdom? Ill take it all. Its always comforting to know that you’re not the only one going through something. And please thing of me in your prayers!
I can TOTALLY identify!! I have lots of thoughts ~ I'll email you. :)
ReplyDelete1) I enjoyed our afternoon so much, you are truly a breath of fresh air, seriously.
ReplyDelete2) I talk a lot.
3) I'm so glad I read this.
4) I can truly identify. And I thought it was normal? :0.
Or at least normal since I had kids. There are just so many variables to every single hour. It IS a roller coaster you truly don't get a moment that's REALLY yours. And all that unprocessed stuff builds up. And when you do get some time? Sure, your baby is sleeping but that doesn't mean your not on call. Any moment they COULD need you. Ya know? And it is draining. I used to have hours (you know what I mean) to process things (pre baby). Now I'm lucky if I get to read or write a full sentence or have a complete thought with out "mommie, did you see? MOMMIE did you SEEE?!? Look Mommie!" Or baby crying. Or hubby needing or wanting some thing.
Being a SAHM is the HARDEST job on earth. It is being an on call 24/7. And it is a HUGE adjustment. And you are doing and AWESOME job! You are praying about what you need to do as a Mom. You are recognizing and verbalizing these feelings. That is a really great thing. I wish I could say more, but need to go help with baths!
Hi! This is my first visit to your blog - I found you through a link back from my blog and thought I'd check you out :)
ReplyDeleteI did want to comment on this post - I can TOTALLY relate to what you're talking about. One of the mantras I learned through La Leche League years ago was "this too, shall pass". That is such a strong statement, and completely indicative of life with children - both for your own emotions and feelings and the situations that come up. Even the good moments will, sadly, pass.
My solution is to embrace each emotion as it comes; don't hide it or hide from it. Use the times you're feeling poorly to strengthen communication with your husband and your children - work on telling them what YOU need, and in turn, encourage them to tell you what THEY need - this serves several purposes, the least of which is that you're bettering your communication skills for your whole family. Equally, use the times you're feeling well to express that - invigorate your household with those feelings and let your joy shine. However unfair it is, Mom's mood so often sets the tone for her family - if Mom is grouchy, everyone else will be, too. So 'fake it till ya make it' can work sometimes, too. But if you need a break, then communicate that need and work to ensure that it is met. Moms have needs, too, and they often get neglected in favor of 'providing for' someone else in the family. As Dr. Sears says though, "What your family needs most is a healthy, well-rested mother".
I'm no expert, and this is still something I struggle with - but every day is another journey, right? And whatever our goals are, every step we take on our path brings us closer to where we want to be. :)
I look forward to reading more!
Warmly,
~h